Unconditional

“It’s going to be terrible.  Everyone else’s project is going to be so much better than mine.”

She could hear the defeat in his voice.  He was consumed with feelings of overwhelm, stress and worry.  It didn’t matter what his mom said the feelings had taken over all logical thought. 

She was already frustrated since he had been procrastinating on it and it was now the last minute.  She knew her own frustration, overwhelm and worry wasn’t going to help or solve his problem, but in the past her own big emotions would have taken over.

This mother and I had been working together on finding ways she could better support her son who struggled with big emotions like these regularly.  During our sessions we talked about ways to strengthen her son executive functioning, co-regulation, the power of a breath practice and the importance of boundaries.

 She had been working with him to implement strategies to reduce procrastination, which he had improved, but he was still practicing managing his time well.  Together they had been practicing their breathing and she was getting better at letting him experience natural consequences by holding firm to her boundaries.

As his panic grew she was able to take a deep breath and begin to help him co-regulate. In the past as he began to get more aggravated, so did she and it usually ended in screaming, but she had been working to manage her own emotions. In the past she was also prone to “rescuing him” she reminded herself that this was just one project and that even though these were big hard feelings she needed to let him experience them (with her support) so he could continue to practice navigating these hard feelings, which are a part of life.

She suggested he take a break and come back to it in a few minutes.  She had learned that when he was able to do something else for a short time it helped him clear some of the negative internal talk so he could go back to the project with a better mindset.

He took a break and together they watched a few funny reels and then he went back to the project and was able to finish it.  In the end he didn’t think it was the best job possible, but he had it finished and he was proud of what he had done with the time he had.

When he got home after presenting the project to the class his mom asked him “how did it go?”.

“Well it wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the worst.”

When the mom relayed this story to me she was proud of the growth she was seeing in her son, and she was grateful for the growth she was seeing in herself.  She said “Had this happened before we started working together it would have ended in a big fight and lots of hard feelings.”

I responded with “You should be proud of yourself, you are the one who did the work.  I am only guiding you, but you are the change maker and for that you have a lot to be proud of.”

Change is possible, in both our kids and in ourselves.  Moments like this allow us to experience connection, kindness and gratitude.  It is in hundreds of little moments that we help our child strengthen and build the most powerful and impactful skills of life. 

On the eve of my favorite American holiday, Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the trust and confidence my clients and community give me in allowing me to be part of their parenting journey.  I am grateful to you all for the important work you do as parents, showing up for your kids and helping to raise well adjusted and thriving adults.

With respect and gratitude,

Mirsada

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