This week I spent half a day cleaning out, sorting and organizing our “guest room”. Our helper refers to our “guest room” as a “store room”, so maybe that gives you an idea of what it looked like.
While getting it organized I found lots of pictures in frames and for the walls that used to hang around our apartment. Pictures that have lots of sentimental meaning and memories for me.
Yet they never made it out of the “guest room” and it got me wondering why, especially since I love and enjoy them so much. Why were things that were once important to me and reminded me of loved one and good times, banishes to the “guest room” to collect dust.
As I thought about it I realized that part of me lives a detached life. There is a part of me doesn’t want to put the effort in because of the effort in finding place and damaging walls for what feels short lived, but this practice takes away part of my joy.
For kids who move every few years research has shown that if the transitions are not effectively managed, kids can begin to be come detached in relationships. When kids become detached they resist putting the effort into forming new relationships, like I have done with my pictures.
Attachment is hard wired into humans. Being attached and connected are instincts in the deepest level of our being.
When you raise your child in a deeply connected and supportive environment and effectively support them through transitions you help them establish positive attachment systems.
Transitions are a natural part of life but unless we develop effective tools for managing them, they can create significant disruption inside our bodies as well as inside of our lives. Too many poorly managed transitions conditions us to resist transition all together or just detach from the situation.
Yet when the people and places become unreliable we detach in order to protect ourselves, I call this protective distance. In some ways I have become detached from the place that I live because I know it is only temporary and can’t be counted on.
Detachment can be painful because we can become isolated, makes us resistant fo forming bond with other and can even impact our self esteem.
We can help our children form health relationships and attachments mostly by modeling them with our child and with others. Rituals and routines are important parts of developing attachment and transitioning to new phases.
We all transition regularly throughout life. Sometimes transitions impact certain people more deeply than others and sometimes they are just harder for certain people to navigate.
Paying attention to how your child navigates the transitions of “normal” life might provide insight into how they will manage the bigger life transitions. Giving your child the right support to help them overcome these challenges, not only help build life long skills but it also helps build confidence in themselves and their abilities to do hard things.
When things are hard we have a natural tendency to avoid them, until they become problematic. Yet I believe that if as parents we pay attention to the small challenges we can help our child build skills to make transition easier for everyone.
There is no book with all the answers for parenting and admitting we can’t do something can feel shameful. Yet if you have a child who is struggling getting support can be a gift to both you and your child.
With respect and gratitude.
Namaste,
Mirsada
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