Mirsada Hoffmann

Championing connected expat families

Safe Place

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A few years ago our family faced a pretty horrific tragedy.  We saw the child of dear friends do the unimaginable and end up in jail.  It was in this moment I learned the true meaning of unconditional love. 

Unconditional love does not mean we condone all the actions of our child.  It does not mean we allow unacceptable behavior.  And it certainly does not mean our child does not need to be held accountable for their actions.  But it does mean that through all of those things we stand by, support and love our child.

Make sure you tell your kid, “I’m your mom (or dad) and you know you can tell me anything.  Nothing you could do would ever make me stop loving you.”

This is such an important message for our kids to hear.  Not just once, or twice but repeatedly throughout all of childhood.  Messages we instill in them during their elementary school years become more important foundations as they pull away a bit in middle school and high school.

Being a safe place for our kids to confided improves their confidence, teaches them the importance of sharing hard things (with trusted confidants) and gives us an opportunity to guide them in building self advocacy skills. 

Since going through this most heart wrenching experience I have continued to tell my kids that no matter what I will always love them.  I believe even if we don’t like or agree with their actions, feelings or behaviors it doesn’t mean we don’t love them. 

Childhood is hard and messy, just like parenting.  If your kid is struggling and you are struggling trying to figure out the next right step and the best way to support your child, I invite you to jump on a free 30-min call with me.  I will offer you some support and help you figure out the next right step. 

You can schedule your call here https://calendly.com/maphoffmann/freemrsession. 

With respect and gratitude,

Mirsada

Unconditional

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“It’s going to be terrible.  Everyone else’s project is going to be so much better than mine.”

She could hear the defeat in his voice.  He was consumed with feelings of overwhelm, stress and worry.  It didn’t matter what his mom said the feelings had taken over all logical thought. 

She was already frustrated since he had been procrastinating on it and it was now the last minute.  She knew her own frustration, overwhelm and worry wasn’t going to help or solve his problem, but in the past her own big emotions would have taken over.

This mother and I had been working together on finding ways she could better support her son who struggled with big emotions like these regularly.  During our sessions we talked about ways to strengthen her son executive functioning, co-regulation, the power of a breath practice and the importance of boundaries.

 She had been working with him to implement strategies to reduce procrastination, which he had improved, but he was still practicing managing his time well.  Together they had been practicing their breathing and she was getting better at letting him experience natural consequences by holding firm to her boundaries.

As his panic grew she was able to take a deep breath and begin to help him co-regulate. In the past as he began to get more aggravated, so did she and it usually ended in screaming, but she had been working to manage her own emotions. In the past she was also prone to “rescuing him” she reminded herself that this was just one project and that even though these were big hard feelings she needed to let him experience them (with her support) so he could continue to practice navigating these hard feelings, which are a part of life.

She suggested he take a break and come back to it in a few minutes.  She had learned that when he was able to do something else for a short time it helped him clear some of the negative internal talk so he could go back to the project with a better mindset.

He took a break and together they watched a few funny reels and then he went back to the project and was able to finish it.  In the end he didn’t think it was the best job possible, but he had it finished and he was proud of what he had done with the time he had.

When he got home after presenting the project to the class his mom asked him “how did it go?”.

“Well it wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the worst.”

When the mom relayed this story to me she was proud of the growth she was seeing in her son, and she was grateful for the growth she was seeing in herself.  She said “Had this happened before we started working together it would have ended in a big fight and lots of hard feelings.”

I responded with “You should be proud of yourself, you are the one who did the work.  I am only guiding you, but you are the change maker and for that you have a lot to be proud of.”

Change is possible, in both our kids and in ourselves.  Moments like this allow us to experience connection, kindness and gratitude.  It is in hundreds of little moments that we help our child strengthen and build the most powerful and impactful skills of life. 

On the eve of my favorite American holiday, Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the trust and confidence my clients and community give me in allowing me to be part of their parenting journey.  I am grateful to you all for the important work you do as parents, showing up for your kids and helping to raise well adjusted and thriving adults.

With respect and gratitude,

Mirsada

PS. If you enjoy the information I share here and have parent friends who you think would also enjoy it, I would be grateful if you shared it with them. You can share this link  freebie.mirsadahoffmann.com/newsletter 

The Parenting Struggle Bus

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SIGH. I have been on the parenting struggle bus all week and it’s Wednesday. This week started off rough for me and has continued, thankfully I am starting to recover.

Watching our kids struggle might be one of the most challenges jobs as a parent. There is also the struggle bus in childhood which is real and why maintaining a strong connection to and with our kids is vital.

I guess with four kids there is bound to always be something going on but this week has been particularly challenging.  But the hard that one of my kids is dealing with hits close to home for me which makes helping them navigate this challenge a bit more complicated.

My husband is traveling which means there is just a little more for me to manage, which truthfully I didn’t need this week.  But we have to play the cards we are dealt.

I am a big believer that sharing the load makes life easier.  Asking for help isn’t always easy for me but I have been asking for it this week. I connected with a genuine friend with whom I can be vulnerable which offered some refuge but it wasn’t until I had a session with my coach that I started feeling lighter.

None of the people I shared my struggles with were able to solve my kid’s problem but I was reminded that struggles help us grow as individuals.  My kid feels like their problem isn’t easily solved and they are right.  As much as I wish I could snap my fingers and make this problem go away, unfortunately this problem is not going to be solved overnight, like most problems we encounter there is no easy solution.  Yet I do believe that this challenge will make my kid stronger, kinder and hopefully more confident.

But sharing my challenges with a couple of trusted people has allowed me to exercise my brainstorming muscles for ways to help my child in addressing their challenges.  Through my actions I am teaching my kids that asking others for help is important and that sharing their concerns with trusted people not only helps them feel better but it also build connection and deepens relationships.

Genuine connection is the most powerful medicine for loneliness.  Childhood has its hard moments ensuring kids feel connected enough to share their struggles is one of the most powerful gifts they can be given.

If you have a friend whom you feel close enough to share your struggles, I would invite you to share this newsletter with them.  Supporting and encourage parents as they navigate their way through this journey of parenting is my passion.  You can share this link http://freebie.mirsadahoffmann.com/newsletter with others who might enjoy some inspiration. 

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, in a world where you can be anything, be kind. 

Wishing you a joyful week.

With respect and gratitude,

Mirsada

Your kids are watching.

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I was a mess.  I was crying daily, having a hard time holding it together.

Kids are not just watching us they are sensing us. 

Kids are watching more closely than we possibly imagine, are picking up the vibrational frequencies we give off. Picking up toys may be a fight but picking up opportunity, weakness, negativity and heartache are their specialty. 

Have a fight with your spouse, your mom isn’t doing well, your in laws are driving you crazy, you are stressed about money or your struggling with finances.  Kids have their finger on the pulse of all these things. Kids senses are naturally heightened. Kids are sponges on ever level. 

Kids are watching the way you behave with difficult neighbors, the way you act toward the postman, the way you talk to your spouse, the way you interact with your friends and the way you treat YOURSELF!

Your actions are teaching your children way more than your words ever could.

I never really thought too much about the way I treated myself.  For one I was too busy. Secondly I thought my time would come. I was busy always taking care of everyone else.  I mean that’s my job as the mom right. I need to make sure food is in the house, clothes are washed, and the house is clean.

But the unfortunate truth was that while I was watching out for everyone else no one is watching out for me.

What would you say?

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If your son or daughter came home and told you that they were ready to give up every piece of who they were for the love of their life. 

What would you say?

I’m guessing you would likely advise against this. I know I would.

Yet this is where I found myself.  But it wasn’t my son or my daughter who had given themselves up it was me.  And I had done it for my sons, my daughters and my husband.

Please do not be mistaken.  I LOVE my children and husband.  But a few years ago I found myself in a place I NEVER thought I would be.  I had become THAT mom who had lost herself.

Of course I still had friends.  But I never had real time for them.  Of course the occasional happy birthday call, or the visit with kids where we never really got to talk to connect. 

There were many days I launched myself out of bed to take care of everyone but me.  I would fall into bed at the end of the day having never brushed my teeth.

My kids always looked nice but I am sure I looked like a hot mess.  Hair thrown up in a ponytail, barely a shower taken and makeup forget the ONE makeup item that used to be a staple.  

And if you think I had time for the gym, a massage or mani/pedi, think again.  I had four kids age four and under. My life was nursing, diapering, potty training, cooking, tidying (I would never have managed without a housekeeper), bathing and playdates.

I could do it all until the wrench of a sick kid was thrown in the mix.  Then I was a wreck. I mean let’s be honest, I was a wreck anyway but I thought I was managing pretty well given the circumstances.

Throughout the years I had bit and pieces of help.  A babysitter here, a neighbor there but nothing that would really give ME time.  I appreciated all of it but the reality was because of my inability to accept real help I was losing more and more of the person I was before I became a mother.

Ask anyone who knew me.  Being a mother was one of my big resaons for having been put on this earth, for this I am sure.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mother, it is one of the greatest gifts God has given me.  But in accepting the gift I lost myself.

I have been on a journey back to rediscovering myself, filling my well and embacing that I can not be everything for everyone without regard for myself.