Picture this: you’re hanging out with other parents after soccer practice. Your kid is upset and came to you early. You try to comfort them, but instead of calming down, they start kicking and yelling. Ouch! That hurts. You stay calm despite the fury.

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The tantrum continues, and your husband steps in, taking off the cleat that hurt your shin. He’s frustrated and just trying to get your kid to listen.

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Can you sense the tension? Can you see how it’s tough to connect in this moment?

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I saw a situation like this a few weeks ago. The tension was so strong. I could feel the mother getting tense as her son kicked with everyone’s eyes on them. Also tense, the husband just wanted the tantrum to stop.

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I felt awful for the mother and father, who only wanted to help their kid. I also felt sad for the little boy who couldn’t clearly express his needs and get the connection he desperately needed.

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In times like this, it’s natural for parents to worry about what others are thinking about their kid, instead of focusing on what really matters—the kid. Connecting with your kid in moments like this isn’t easy. But when parents can ignore the thoughts about what others think (which we all naturally have) and just focus on connecting with the kid, amazing things can happen.

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We all need connection, but sensitive kids sometimes struggle to ask for it in ways parents easily understand. Sometimes, the way a sensitive kid asks for connection can create more disconnection than actual connection.

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Being part of an expat family adds another layer of difficulty. New environments make everyone tense, especially if there are struggles with belonging. Sometimes, expat parents don’t speak the same language, creating communication challenges for both parents and kids.

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Sadly, there’s no easy fix for these situations. But knowing that the tension we bring challenges our connection is crucial for finding a path to a stronger connection.

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If you found this and other newsletters helpful, I’d appreciate it if you’d share the information with other expat parents with sensitive kids. Here’s the link: freebie.mirsadahoffmann.com/newsletter​

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Sending love,

Mirsada

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Psssttttt… If you’re feeling more tension than joy at home this week, know you’re not alone. Recognizing the tension is the first big step in making a change. Your kid is lucky to have YOU!

YOU are ahhhmazing!

Oh man, what a month it has been! Getting settled and organizing our new routine has been an adventure. I’m starting to find my feet on the ground after a whirlwind summer, and I’m happy to get back to a sense of normalcy. We’re familiar with this place since we lived here before, but even though much remains the same, change is constant, so we’re finding our new normal.

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Back in June, I let you know that I was opening up some slots for October. The response has been amazing, and I can’t wait to start working with more expat parents. As I’ve started to gain confidence and find my footing, I feel that I have room for a couple more expat parents.

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Perhaps this summer has been tough for you and your child because the lack of routine has been destabilizing, and you want to find better ways to support your child during the breaks. Maybe your child hasn’t been happy going back to school, and getting them out the door every day is a struggle. Maybe you’re struggling to create healthy boundaries as you navigate family dynamics. These are the types of families I work with. If you’re struggling, please reach out, and let’s connect to see how I can support you.

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If the start of the school year has been a bit bumpy and you could use some extra support (pssst… we all need extra support sometimes), I’m able to open a few more slots in my calendar to start working with me one on one in October.

Coaching package details:
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• Six one-on-one coaching sessions providing support, tools, and resources to help you and your child.
• All sessions are to be used between October and mid-December

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If you’re ready make a commitment to see changes within your family, respond to this email and grab the last spot to reserve your spot and get the deposit details.

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If you think you might be interested in working with me in the fall, respond to this email, and I’ll put your name on the list. This way, when I get back into things in October, if I have openings, I can reach out and see if I can support you.
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Getting back into a routine can sometimes create challenges in our families and may not always bring out the best in us as parents. Trust me, I know this all too well. There are things you can do to help minimize the challenges and struggles in your family. Let me help you learn and start implementing some of the tools and skills.

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Building skills and resources is one of the most powerful things we can do as expat parents. I already know that you care so much about the success of your kid. You are awesome for wanting to learn and understand more.
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Sending love,

Mirsada
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Pssssttttt….. Establishing new habits can be hard sometimes, but when we’re building new routines, sometimes it’s easier. Maybe as the new school year starts you are establishing some ew habits. Maybe its not going the way you want. Don’t beat yourself up; your kid would never want that. YOU are amazing (even on the days you don’t think you are), and your kid is SOOO lucky to have YOU!

Do you remember when your child was learning to walk? Do you recall those moments when they stumbled and fell? It was during those times that they would often look to you for your response. If you rushed to their side, they would likely become more timid and nervous than if you offered reassuring words.

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The same principle holds true today. Our actions speak volumes to our children. Just this week, my child embarked on the camping trip they had been so anxious about. While driving to school, my child complained of a stomach ache. I reassured my child that it was completely normal, as our brains and stomachs are intricately connected. Recent research has even shown that our stomachs are often referred to as our second brains. Therefore, my child’s upset stomach came as no surprise, given the anxiety I had observed.

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Shortly before lunch, I received a call informing me of an accident involving the bus carrying my child and their classmates on the trip. Fortunately, no one was injured, though some of the kids were understandably shaken. The school informed me that the children would have lunch with their teacher in their classroom and that we could pick them up anytime between 13:00 and 15:30, the usual end of the school day.

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Initially, I had planned to be at the school right at 13:00 because I wanted my child to feel safe. However, as time passed and I contemplated the pickup, I decided not to rush and pick them up as soon as possible.

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Upon reflection, I realized that by hurrying to retrieve my child, I might inadvertently send a message different from the one I initially intended. I wanted my child to understand that I had confidence in the teacher’s ability to keep them safe. Accidents can happen; it’s a part of life.

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The school did an exceptional job responding to the accident. Each child had the opportunity to speak with a specialist about their feelings. It came as no surprise that my child was a bit shaken, as they had not yet formed strong friendships or found their grounding. However, I know that the school and all the adults involved did their utmost to reassure my child.

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When I finally arrived at the school to discuss whether my child wanted to come home (I believed it was important for them to have a say in the decision), I was met by support staff and teachers. They shared with me how my child had reacted and what to expect. My child had mentioned missing their toys and home but seemed content to stay and draw. They also expressed a desire to arrange a playdate after school with a newfound friend.

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I am immensely grateful that my child, along with all the other children, is safe. Accidents are an inevitable part of life, and going through such events helps shape us. How we, as parents, react helps our children develop their own coping abilities and understand their reactions. I’m also aware that when I’m not overly emotional (which can often happen to expat parents navigating new situations), my responses tend to be more rational, which, in turn, helps my child remain calm.

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Sending love,

Mirsada

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Psssttttt…If you haven’t been able to stay super calm for your child recently, don’t worry; I completely understand. It takes practice, and the fact that you’re thinking about it is a significant first step. You are amazing, and your child is incredibly lucky to have YOU!

One of my kids has an overnight field trip in a few weeks. This kid came home telling me about it, gave me the paperwork and said, “I don’t want to go, but the teacher said the parents get to make the decision.”

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I received all this information last week and knew the form was due on Monday. I held off on filling out the form because I wanted to have a chance to talk to this kid about the outing.

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My kids, like all expat kids who have moved countries this year, have been through a lot. So have the kids who have been left behind, but we can discuss that another time. I understand that a two-night, three-day field trip, so early in the school year, might feel a bit overwhelming for any kid, but I comprehend why it feels harder for my expat kid.

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I had briefly discussed our kid’s attendance on this outing with my husband, and we both agreed that the kid should attend. I had decided that I would be willing to pick my kid up if there was a big issue, but they had to at least try. I understood the anxiety, but I also knew that a few months down the road, kids would be talking about it, and my kid would likely be sad to have missed out. Also, I think trips like these are important bonding opportunities as well as opportunities to face and overcome our fears.

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Here is where I made the foolish mistake. Over the weekend, I forgot to talk to this kid about the outing. I only remembered the form just before my kid was about to leave for school. Then, to make my stupid mistake worse, I rushed to fill it out, and as my kid was ready to walk out the door, I told them that I had let the teacher know they would be attending.

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Well, the tears and the pushback I got were not a surprise. I did my best to console my kid, but they were not having any of it. So, I dropped what I was doing and accompanied the kid to school, where I talked to the teacher and explained the situation so that she would also have understanding and compassion for how my kid was entering the classroom that day. The teacher assured me that my kid was not the only one feeling anxiety and worry about the trip, but she was confident that it would be a good experience.

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My first mistake was not making it a priority to find the time to have this discussion. To be fair to myself, we did spend the weekend just trying to get a semblance of a house together since our shipment hasn’t arrived and won’t for a few weeks. My second, and bigger mistake, was letting my own anxiety around not submitting the form on time rush me into doing it just before we rushed out the door to school.

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My kid was really upset and crying as we headed out the door to school. I held their hand, validated this kid’s concerns, acknowledged all the challenges this kid was feeling, and explained some of the reasons behind why I thought it was a good idea.

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I always say this parenting gig is tough, and so often it can highlight our own weaknesses. Being willing to acknowledge our shortcomings so we can show up differently in the future is our greatest gift to our kids.

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I had a message from another expat parent sharing some hard pieces of this life. I’d love to hear from you too; what are the aspects of expat parenting that you find most challenging?

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Sending love,

Mirsada

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Pssstttt… if you are feeling like you messed up, like I was feeling, just know that you are doing great. This parenting thing is never perfect, but showing up and admitting (even if only to yourself) how you can change and do things differently in the future is more than many parents are doing. YOU are amazing, and your kid is so lucky to have you.

You’re right, kid – it’s not fair. Today happens to be one of my kids’ birthdays. An end-of-summer birthday for an expat child is akin to a Christmas birthday for a Christian child; it never receives the full attention it deserves.

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My child had a complete meltdown one afternoon this week, all in anticipation of an upcoming birthday. And you know what? I get it.

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Moving is hard. It’s hard on EVERYONE. With so many moving pieces, something important to someone in the family is bound to get dropped while juggling competing priorities.

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This move has highlighted for me how the little things – like having a car or an operable phone – are often taken for granted. But these little things become HUGE when you are an expat moving.

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The number of times I’ve visited the cellular phone service store is out of control. It has tested my patience, but I constantly remind myself of how much harder all these things were during my first move. It helps me understand how difficult some of these things are for my kids.

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Kids are resilient, yes, but I always have to temper that saying. They are resilient, but they truly build resilience only with the right support, validation, and modeling.

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Expat kids and parents alike face unique challenges, which no doubt contribute to building unique characteristics and strengths. However, it’s important to acknowledge and appreciate that these challenges come with a cost. Dismissing, ignoring, or downplaying how big these things feel sets us and our kids up for challenges in understanding, validating, and acknowledging our feelings.

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So, on the day of this total meltdown, I dropped almost everything and gave this child some more individualized attention. I even completely forgot about something vital I was working on. When I remembered, it somewhat panicked me, but it allowed me to fully focus on my kid and give them the attention they needed and deserved.

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As expats, we navigate waters that others don’t always understand or appreciate the complexities of. Moving isn’t easy, and life isn’t fair, but even within these complexities lies a richness that cannot be underestimated. In appreciating that richness, we must also embrace the difficult feelings and sit with them, acknowledging and doing our best to teach our kids to do the same.

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Earlier this week, I was talking with another coach who reminded me of the importance of mindset. Mindset is critical in everything we do – something I wish my mother had explained better to me. I work hard on being aware of my mindset while also acknowledging how difficult things feel. This practice is a delicate balance because, in the end, it’s important to be willing to experience those tough feelings while also moving forward to avoid getting stuck in them.

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When my child was in a full-blown meltdown, I held them and validated their feelings. Because you know what? I agree – life isn’t fair, and this is hard. I also used different techniques like tapping while I held my child and allowed them to cry, scream, and acknowledge their own feelings. Then, I found a way to redirect this child’s attention into something that just the two of us could do together while the others were occupied.

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There’s a reason they call this stuff a practice – it’s not easy, and it must be done over and over to build these emotional muscles. But the more we practice, the better we become at modeling for our kids. And that, my dear readers, is where the magic lies.

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Sending all of you so much love,

Mirsada

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Psssstttt… If you’re in the midst of a move and nothing seems to be falling into place, and your kids are struggling (because it’s HARD), I see you and I feel you. You are AMAZING, and your kid is so lucky to have someone as loving and committed as you.

We’ve spent a lot of time together this summer. Naturally, there have been challenging moments, but a topic that’s been prevalent in our household lately is tone.

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Something I learned a while back, which surprised me initially, was that only 7% of communication stems from the words used. Tone carries a much more significant weight at 38%, and body language is even more influential at 55%.

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Children predominantly learn how to communicate from the models presented by their parents, teachers, and other adults in their lives. However, I often feel that the significance of communication isn’t always adequately conveyed to kids. Honestly, there are plenty of adults who haven’t mastered this either, so it’s not entirely unexpected.

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Extensive research is being conducted on how the rise in technology is impacting our communication and connections, particularly among younger generations. Educating kids about communication’s impact and importance should be a priority for all of us.

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This summer, we embarked on a bike trip to an island. During a stop in town for ice cream, I overheard a woman asking her husband if he was going to get ice cream. His response was, “I am not getting ice cream today.” On the surface, that statement might appear entirely ordinary and acceptable, but if you had heard him, you might have been as surprised as I was. His tone was aggressive, and he emphasized the “not.” It served as a stark reminder of how much tone influences communication.

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I’ve been helping my kids realize that it’s not just what they say, but how they say it that matters. At this moment, I’m focused on helping them understand that their tone constitutes the “how you say it” aspect.

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Aiding children in recognizing tone of voice enables them to pick up cues about the speaker’s intention and perhaps their mood. Sometimes, kids struggle with inflection, so teaching them that the meaning of words changes with emphasis, volume, and speed of speech can be incredibly beneficial.

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As expat parents, guiding our kids through various cultures and languages, it’s crucial that we assist them in paying attention to these nuances in communication. Building connections is imperative, and communication is the cornerstone of connecting with one another.

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Sending love,

Mirsada

Pssstttt, If you’ve noticed that your own tone hasn’t been as patient and kind towards your child recently, don’t worry. We all have those days. Keep moving forward; you’re doing even better than you think, and your child is fortunate to have YOU!
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In last week’s newsletter, I discussed the importance of helping children listen to their bodies. While we often teach kids about the five senses (hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, and touching), we rarely educate them about interoception. Interoception is the body’s ability to recognize and interpret its own internal cues, such as hunger, thirst, exhaustion, and pain.

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In a world flooded with external stimulation, it’s becoming increasingly challenging to connect with ourselves and our internal needs. Yet, aiding our kids in recognizing the sensations their bodies emit is crucial for their growth and development.

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Some children have weaker interoceptive awareness, which can make regulating emotions more difficult at times. As I’ve shared in the past, food, sleep, and movement are three factors that most significantly influence a child’s emotional regulation. It’s natural that if a body is hungry but isn’t clearly perceiving the signals, irritability could be a natural response. This is why assisting children in recognizing the signals their bodies send is so important.

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On another note, we are just days away from receiving the keys to our new house. This summer has been a whirlwind, and we’re excited to settle in and establish a new routine.

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You might also be seeking to make positive changes in your family that aren’t quite working as well as you’d like. If so, you might find the opportunity I’m about to share interesting.

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In my coaching sessions, I provide support for parents whose children are grappling with intense emotions. These emotions might be causing inner turmoil for the parent, making navigation challenging. Alternatively, a child struggling with big emotions might be causing disruption at home, leading to tension among family members.

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Through our collaboration, we find ways for parents to better understand and support their children’s struggles. We also explore techniques that benefit both the child and the parent. If this resonates with you, and you could use some extra support (we all do at times), I have openings in my calendar for one-on-one sessions starting in October.

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Here’s what the coaching package entails:

* Six one-on-one coaching sessions offering support, tools, and resources for you and your child.

* All sessions are to be scheduled between October and mid-December.

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If you’re certain you want to work with me, securing your spot early is a great idea. I’m still offering special pricing for a limited time.

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If you’re keen on proactively creating positive changes in your family, reply to this email to reserve your spot and receive deposit details. If you think you might be interested in working with me in the fall, respond to this email, and I’ll add your name to the list. This way, when I resume sessions in October, I can reach out if I have available slots to offer you.

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If a friend has been confiding in you and you’re unsure of the best way to support them, please consider sharing this email. I’d be delighted to assist them as well.

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Acknowledging that we’re uncertain about our actions (when we feel we should know better) can feel uncomfortable and daunting. I understand. What I’ve consistently found is that seeking help and support accelerates progress with less difficulty. This applies to you too. You’re remarkable, and you don’t have to navigate these challenges alone. Reach out and let me assist you in building a stronger, more connected relationship with your child, benefiting the entire family.

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Warm regards,

Mirsada

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Psssstttt, Being an expat parent is an incredible journey filled with numerous opportunities. Nevertheless, it can also be isolating, tough, and frustrating at times. If you’re experiencing one of those challenging periods, know that you’re not alone. You’re tackling intricate issues, and finding solutions isn’t always straightforward. Just remember that the fact you’re seeking new, improved, and different parenting approaches makes you AWESOME! You’re not alone. Your child is fortunate to have you, and YOU are AHHHHMAZING!

Our bodies talk to us, but we have to be in tune to hear the message. This can be a bog concept even for adults to integrate. Many people have not learned the art of listening to their bodies. Just tonight at dinner I was talking with friends about the ability to break when we feel like something ins’t good for us. It’s a skill that need practice.

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Sitting in the discomfort is part of the way we learn to manage these feelings. Yet, our children are growing up in a fast-paced world where no one stays with anything long enough to feel the discomfort because they have moved on to the next best new thing!We live in a world where overeating and excessive drinking are just a part of the norm. The overindulgence is almost always the result of us not listening to our bodies.

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Recently, one of my kids had a terrible stomach ache. It was so bad that they came home early from an outing with friends. With all the late nights and early mornings, I suspected exhaustion so I suggested a nap. I was met with some hesitation because after all I am just mom  but thankfully after a much needed nap the stomach ache was gone.

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I regularly talk to my kids about listening to their bodies. We talk about staying connected and grounded. Some of the ways we talk about staying grounded are; expressing gratitude, getting outside, journaling, taking a break, or being kind.

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Kids don’t always follow the advice of their parents. But even if we do’t feel like our kids are always listening, it’s the repetition of teaching the concepts and the modeling of listening to our own bodies that will have the most impact on our kids.

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Sending love,

Mirsada

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Pssstttt…if your expat life has been making it harder to stay connected to yourself and to your child, don’t worry, you aren’t alone. Staying present is a practice, one we have to work on over and over, so if you weren’t patient today, don’t worry, you have tomorrow. Keep it up, you are amazing and your kid is so lucky to have you.

In John Hattie’s 2009 mega-study into what actually works to improve learning, he looked at 138 factors that impact kids’ learning. The study examined millions of children globally and determined that some of the most positively impactful aspects of a child’s education were the student-teacher relationship and students’ self-reporting of estimated grades, while the most negatively impactful aspect on a child’s learning was moving.

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Being an expat offers many wonderful and rich experiences for kids; this will never be challenged. However, with the upside, there are some real negative downsides that need to be managed. Sometimes it seems that parents don’t always want to acknowledge these downsides, possibly because they may feel their work doesn’t really offer a choice.

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What I have seen with my own kids and with others is that some of the most beneficial skills gained are flexibility and perspective-taking. Yet, I have also observed that even with excellent and involved teachers (which there are many, but not all), when a child moves regularly, the lack of consistency can impact the teacher’s ability to spot learning differences/challenges the child might be having.

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We all have challenges and areas of growth (even us parents, sometimes we have the most opportunity for growth), and with kids, the research indicates that there are specific windows of opportunity for more successfully addressing certain challenges. For some specific academic challenges like dyslexia, one of those windows is the primary school years. Middle school brings about its own challenges with all the physical and emotional changes that kids are experiencing. In my experience, unaddressed challenges can (and often do) snowball into more significant problems. Yet it is important to say it’s never too late to address and understand areas of challenge. Yet, research indicates that when it comes to addressing learning challenges, there are easier times for growth.

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One of the reasons I do what I do is because I really care about kids and their future. I know that having an involved parent makes a significant difference, which is why I think all of you who care so much are so AWESOME! Truly, your kid is so lucky to have someone like you in their corner.

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With every up, there is a down. And with all the wonderful opportunities that moving provides kids, I see the lack of consistency in the education of expat kids as one of the biggest challenges that doesn’t really get addressed.

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I believe parents know their kids best, but I also know that in the chaos of expat life (because man, sometimes it can be crazy), sometimes it is easy for things to get missed or unknowingly passed over. These gaps can create significant challenges for kids as they grow and develop.

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I was talking with a parent a few months ago just before their third move in five years. This parent was worried about their child’s academic ability in some areas and wasn’t sure what to do. They had seen how the child had worked hard and grown over the last few years, but they still felt like there might be something missing. The parent had addressed it with the teacher, but it was dismissed, which is when this parent reached out to me. I really encouraged this parent to push the school a bit harder because the child had history which gave the school a better understanding of the child’s progression, which the new school would not have. Having this history is important, especially when trying to identify differences.

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There are times when schools don’t have the resources; this puts significantly more pressure and onus on the parents to be extra vigilant. Schools are sometimes overextended (Covid has stretched schools, teachers, and parents in significant ways), which is why if parents aren’t paying attention and listening to themselves, kids with less severe challenges can get lost, and the impacts might not show up for years.

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Moving offers such amazing and wonderful opportunities for kids, but it also creates a bigger educational gap in which kids can get stuck or sometimes even fall through. Over the years, I have heard about older kids whose parents, although well-intentioned, were not as involved as they could have been or didn’t have the understanding or resources to ensure their kids got the support they needed, and the impact was significant.

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As expat parents, it is even more critical to be a present and involved parent. There are many benefits to exposing kids to different countries and cultures, but the educational and emotional impacts (that’s for another newsletter) can be significant when not managed appropriately.

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Sending love,

Mirsada

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Pssssttttt…..maybe the summer is proving to be more challenging than the school year. When you have a bit more space from your kid, you are not alone. I see you, and you got this. You are AMAZING, and your child is so lucky to have you.

Helping your kid learn to recognize their feelings requires you to be able to recognize your own feelings.

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This is a tough one. So often we have been raised in environments that have taught us to ignore, deny, reject or push away our feelings.

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I have been thinking about this whole topic a lot recently. Because, after a less than flattering incident, I spent time thinking about what feelings and emotions created that situation.

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Because I have been paying attention to this more in myself, I have also been noticing some disconnection in my kids.

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Over the weekend I had the amazing opportunity to spend three hours walking with a college friend. It was a glorious summer morning, blue skies, cool temps and a shining sun.

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As we walked we talked about lots of different topics, but my friend shared some very personal struggles they had been navigating this past year.

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As we talked my friend shared the disconnect they had been feeling from people and from their own emotions. They talked about how they blamed everyone else for their unhappiness but when they were able to pull back the layers a bit they could see how their inability to recognize and acknowledge their own emotions was the primary driver of their personal struggle.

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Learning to recognize one’s own emotions is a powerful tool, but it’s not one that comes without practice and vulnerability. My friend and I agreed that change takes time and practice and we live in a world that doesn’t celebrate vulnerability. Actually I think society does everything in its power to inhibit vulnerability because it’s too exposing.

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The most powerful way to recognize feelings and emotions is to put a name to the emotion. I find that sometimes stopping and sitting in that uncomfortable feeling can help us move through the emotion. Society doesn’t really encourage us to slow down and in our instant gratification laced society slowing down to understand where the feeling is coming can feel jarring.

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The other day, one of my kids was upset, and as they were talking to me about their feelings, they were putting more and more food into their mouth. This child had just finished dinner and was back popping potatoes because they were upset and not because they were hungry, although that was the line given to me. When I suggested that maybe they weren’t hungry and just frustrated the child acknowledged that it was possible I was right.

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As I thought about this kid, even with all the academic intelligence they possess, the disconnect from emotions is sure to cause challenges and problem in the future. It was so clear that all the intellectual gift this kid possesses there in ability to connect with their feelings is problematic.

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The power we all possess resides in our heart, but getting through our brains and the thoughts to be able to access the power is a lifelong journey.

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There are some tools you can use to help your child develop their emotional intelligence. One of the most powerful tools is to begin to gain awareness of how your actions are impacting others.

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We need to be considerate of others and recognize how our actions impacts other and how those actions are received by others. This is the beginning of developing self awareness which is one of the most powerful tools in beginning to recognize our emotions and the emotions of others.

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Sending love,

Mirsada

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Pssstttt….if you are feeling like your tank is more empty at this point in the summer, don’t worry you are not alone. You are AWESOME and your kid is SOO lucky to have YOU!