A number of years ago a friend of mine introduced me to the idea of taking the “path of least resistance”. Her very wise (and experienced, he was in his 90’s) dad, was adamant about making sure she understood this concept just before he died and she shared it with me.

​

Many times as parents there so many things that need to be accomplished, it is easy for the “less important” things (such as self care – exercise, meditation, etc) it’s easy to get stuck in a place of putting it off until another day.

​

I have been athletic all my life, but this slipped for me in my parenting journey. For me getting back to a healthier level of fitness with a solid routine has been something I haven’t been able to make happen in a really consistent way.

​

I have made some attempts with accountability partners who I came to understand didn’t have the same goals, online health coaches and gym memberships, yet no matter how hard I have tired, getting back to a place I feel good about has not happened. Until I applied this idea of the “path of least resistance”.

​

I believe we all have a “body budget”. This “budget” is the amount of energy we can expend each day. Of course the amount fluctuates somewhat, depending on various circumstance – sleep, exercise, nutrition, stress are some of the biggest factors.

​

I understand that as an expat mother of four children, living continents away from family and friends, building a business, with a husband who has a demanding career, a lot of my body budget is eaten up by just managing the essential aspects of life.

​

With this understanding I was able to acknowledge that some of the other things I was desiring required more support because my body budget was limited.

​

I speak with parents all the time who feel they are overwhelmed because this world requires an exceptional amount from parents. The bodies of these parents are talking to them telling them their body budget is limited and they need more support.

​

I recently had a similar experience where I was able to acknowledge that if I wanted to do more regular exercise I needed to figure out the path of least resistance to make more exercise happen. I needed more real support because my body budget was already used up. In my case I needed more hand holding.

​

Even though I knew a higher level of fitness would likely increase my body budget, I couldn’t find the extra effort necessary to make regular exercise happen. So I hired a trainer who I would have to meet in person and would keep me accountable.

​

The morning my kids were fighting and I was exhausted before they all left the house for school was the morning the path of least resistance crystalized for me. If it was not for the trainer waiting for me at the gym that morning, I would never have gone. Yet once I finishes I felt energized.

​

So many times as parents we see patterns that are unhealthy, that we want to change but we we need more support to make it happen. I see this so often when parents feel guilty after they have been unable to manage the complexities of life and then they have taken their frustrations out on their children at the end of the day.

​

They know their child doesn’t deserve this level of frustration and impatience but in the moment it is hard to control. Their body budget was telling them, there isn’t enough fuel in the tank. In those moments you need to either need to stop and refuel or you need to ask for help, sometimes both feel impossible. Yet when they take the time to look back and explore the situation they can find ways to manage the situation differently in the future.

​

When you are looking back on how to do it better, look for the path of least resistance. Figure out how can you do whatever it is you need to do in a way that feels easier. Life is hard already, figuring out the path of least resistance and how you can still get it done without such a heavy load.

​

Expat parenting is complex and it can require a lot from our body budget. This month I am opening up four “power hour” spots. During the “power hour”I can help you explore some ways to find the path of least resistance. Since it is my birthday month, I am specially pricing these sessions at $127USD. If you are interested, just reply to this email.

​

You are amazing and your child is so lucky to have you!

​

I’m here cheering you on!

Mirsada

​

PS. Don’t forget next week I will be doing a live event in Jakarta you can sign up here for the details: pages.mirsadahoffmann.com/marchevent

Harvard University embarked on a study in 1938 to understand what makes us happy. After 85 years the data is clear on what truly brings happiness.

​

Even though popular media likes to promote career achievement, money, physical appearance with exercise and a healthy diet as keys to happiness, the most consistent finding is connection and positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and helps us live longer.

​

I was not surprised by these results because connection has been the cornerstone to my health and happiness. It has also been one of the hardest aspects for me in being an expat. No matter where we lived the thing I was saddest to leave were the people and relationships we had built.

​

My career has always centered around connection and I have seen over and over first hand the power in real genuine connection. It is one of the reason I am so passionate about supporting parents in raising connected kids.

​

As I have learned more about the power of connection, I discovered that the more connected we are to ourselves by knowing and understanding ourselves, the more we are able to understand others, especially our kids.

​

When I learned this essential piece of connection it really helped me understand the power of connection more deeply. It is so important that it is one of the foundational aspects of the work I do with my clients.

​

When we are able to notice and name our feelings we are better able to help our child do the same thing. If we are able to accept our own thoughts and feeling, without judgement, we are better able to support our child in doing the same thing. Emotions are complex but when we combine the expat lifestyle with various cultures, languages and traditions things get more complicated.

​

I do not want to downplay the many beautiful, rich and wonderful benefits and upsides to the expat life, because there are many. But even with the upsides it is important to acknowledge and recognize the complexities.

​

I remember one day when one of my kids was getting ready for soccer. The morning had been going well but as we headed out the door for soccer the mood in one of my kids shifted and the shoe was kicked off because “didn’t feel right”. Then the meltdown started.

​

Since we were running late the child got in the car without the shoe on. As we drove to soccer I tried to sooth them and it hit me, the shoe wasn’t the problem it was the symptom. I understood in that moment that the child was not feeling good inside their body and the way they expressed it was through a sensory challenge. I had never understood it this way before but I had been beginning to see patterns in my kids meltdowns.

​

I didn’t know where the feeling was coming from, it could have been the child was sad about a friend they were going to miss or the anticipation of their dad’s departure on a business trip. I didn’t know what was causing this child to feel dysregulated inside but I remained calmed and did my best to soothe the “pain” they were feeling to help them feel safe again. By the time we reached the soccer field they felt better put the shoe on and ran to soccer. Phew, total meltdown avoided.

​

I speak with lots of parents who struggle to manage their own emotions when their child’s emotions are elevated. It is normal and so common. When we feel overwhelmed (or not safe) it is easy to lose our cool.

​

Parenthood often opens the door to more self awareness. You might have learned the minimum number of hours you needed to sleep early in your parenting journey, you might have learned you were more patient than you thought, or you might have learned you were less patient than you expected.

​

All this awareness has helped you to grow and change in ways you might never have thought possible before becoming a parent.

​

As our kids grow and change so does our connection to them. It’s harder to be furious at a new born baby who is crying because they are over tied, yet when that same baby is nine screaming and storming around the house because they are over tired, we right or wrong usually expect more. As kids get older sometimes we expect more from them than they are capable of, we have less tolerance, especially after a long day with many demands on our time.

​

Yet if we are able to understand our own limitations it allows us to help our kids in understanding their limitations. As we learn more about ourselves we are able to be more open minded, we better understand triggers, we have more insight into our strengths and weaknesses and then may be able to set better boundaries based on our limitations.

​

My clients have told me how they have seen that understanding different aspects of themselves as well as those close to them was a gift to everyone in their family.

​

One exercise you can do to begin to deepen your connection to yourself is to start paying attention to your own feelings and how you act depending on those feelings. Journaling is a great way to “keep track” and make a record.

​

I see and I am cheering you on.

Mirsada

​

P.S. On March 22 at 10am I am doing an in person talk “ Do you want more peace in your home and a deeper connection to your child?”. If you are local to Jakarta and would like to join, reply to this email and I will send you the link to sign up.

Three and a half years ago we uprooted our kids from the only place they had ever known as home. We were not in our passport country but this was home. As expats know so well that the complexities of this lifestyle are not for the faint of heart.

​

A move had been on the horizon for us for a few years so I wasn’t surprised, especially since my husband applied for his job to avoid being rotated. The process of wrapping up a life I had spent years building by developing a beautiful community around us with deep and rich friendships was not an easy one.

​

Needless to say I was heartbroken, but one of the biggest silver linings for us was our longtime nanny was willing to leave her 20 year career in Switzerland to follow us to our next post in Asia. This was not something I was expecting so when she agreed I was beyond grateful.

​

Years earlier my husband had encouraged me to embrace help, it was not something I did easily. But when Venus came to work for us, she was so easy and I appreciated how she made life easier. She loved our kids like they were her own. She even welcomed the arrival of two of our kids which helped in building a special bond.

​

In the middle of the frenzied pack up we took Venus to Bern to get her a visa for our next post country. We were especially grateful that when we eventually drove away from the only home our kids had ever known, we didn’t also have to say goodbye to someone who was part of our family. We would be seeing Venus in a few months after a summer break for all of us.

​

I remember my first trip back to Switzerland after our transfer. Everyone timidly asked how our new post was, my reply, “it isn’t as bad as I expected.” A lot of that not so bad was because Venus still had my back and we worked as a team.

​

When we first moved into our new house, I was busy getting the kids settled in school, activities and figuring out a new routine in a city very different from where we came. The days were a blur but I remember shortly after the movers had delivered our stuff our Swiss house was all put back together in our new city. I was so grateful, it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. All of that was thanks to Venus.

​

A few months after our arrival my husband told me he was having trouble getting a proper visa for Venus. I didn’t understand because I thought one of the “perks” of being a diplomat (since families are required to move so frequently) usually is that bringing help from one post to another is usually well understood and accepted.

​

Unfortunately that wasn’t the case where we were living, so on Feb 29, 2020, just before the world turned upside down our world was rocked by the loss of this family member. I remember telling Venus at the time, that I didn’t understand why this was all happening and even though I was beyond disappointed I knew it was all happening for a reason.

​

A few short weeks later Covid became a worldwide pandemic. I remember the panic of the early days and as hard as it was, (and it was HARD) I was grateful Venus was with her family and not with us.

​

Here we are three years later and until a few days ago, my kids had not seen this beloved family member. Earlier this year as we all settled back into our new normal I knew it was time for us all to reunite.

​

Like many expat kids my kids still talk about and miss Venus. She was a staple in our daily lives. Since the kids were on break I decided we would go and visit Venus so the kids could enjoy time with her again.

​

Financially it wasn’t the easiest decision to make but emotionally it was a no brainer. I understood that this was an important relationship to rekindle and support, It was a priority so I found a way to make it work.

​

My kids are beyond thrilled to be spending time with Venus. As soon as we all reunited it was like no time had passed and we didn’t miss a beat. One thing I have been keenly aware of in my mothering journey as an expat is the importance of maintaining key relationships.

​

It isn’t always easy and it isn’t always clean and tidy, but I believe that making the effort is where it counts.

​

Like last summer I scheduled a trip to see a dear friend who had made the effort the year prior to come and see me and my family. Only for the trip to be cancelled by a case of Covid. Both my friend and I were really bummed but I know my effort was appreciated.

​

It isn’t always easy, actually it’s usually always complicated but helping support the continuation of relationships and memories is part of helping kids build meaningful connection.

​

Expats are coming up to another season of transition. As we approach summer some families are leaving and new families are coming. Helping our kids through these transitions is important. RAFT is an acronym, coined by David Pollack, that is really helpful in preparing for a transition.

​

It seems this RAFT process was designed specifically for families that were transitioning but I know that even international families not transitioning are deeply impacted during the season of moving that this is a helpful process for everyone impacted.

​

R = Reconciliation making right any challenging or difficult relationships. Just because you leave doesn’t always mean the problem goes away. Reconciliation is an important skill to develop.

​

A = Affirmation (Appreciation) is there anyone you are grateful for, people who have been an important part of your journey and who helped you (your family). Tell them, let them know what they did made a difference you for (for your family) and tell them what they mean to you.

​

F = Farewell this is not just a good bye to friends but also to places. This is a process not just an event, so ensuring you have ample time is important. Making a list of people as well as places is a good idea.

​

T = Think Destination is the process of starting to think about the new place and what some of the changes will look and feel like. Talk about what will be the same as well as what will be different, this will help especially kids in process this new chapter.

​

I hope that as your family enters a new season of transition, wether you are leaving or staying, this will be a helpful tool to support you and your kids in the emotional process.

​

With respect and gratitude.

​

Namaste,

Mirsada

A really brave mom reach out to me this week. Life had gotten chaotic in her household and she wasn’t able to manage the stress anymore. She sees how it is impacting her mentally, physically and emotionally.

​

She shared with me that her four tween and teen sons all pick at each other, annoy one another to a point beyond frustration and as she said “they do it on purpose”.

​

They make rude comments towards each other, they don’t respect each another’s things. The fighting feels non stop and she is exhausted.

​

The only time there seems to be any harmony in the home is when they are playing video games or sleeping.

​

She admitted that she is losing her cool constantly, they are mimicking her dysregulated behavior. She reached out for support because she knows it is unhealthy it is for her and her entire family.

​

She she admitted to me that she sometimes cries in the bathroom alone. She feels like her sons don’t care about her feeling and she is heartbroken.

​

In our conversation we started to look at what some of the behaviors that is causing the all the dysregulation (chaos) in the house. We talked about her support system and how she was making sure some of her own needs were met.

​

We talked about how different brains function different ways. We talked about how transitions can impact nervous systems and how in a house with six people it is critical that everyone work together as much as possible.

​

She agreed that a household reset would be very beneficial for everyone. She fully agreed that investing the time, money and energy would be so beneficial for her family. Even though she wanted overnight change she knew it wouldn’t happen but that nothing would change if she didn’t change.

​

So she committed to making changes in her family because she could see a positive future without some major changes.

​

Reaching out to find someone to help you with challenges in your family can be challenging but it is also deeply brave.

​

I am so proud of this mom for taking the steps to build deeper connection with her family and in her home.

​

If you are struggling connection in your home I encourage you to find the right person to help you and your family. Allowing someone into the messy parts of our lives is scary but finding the right person can make all the difference.

​

I have two spaces opening in my practice. If you are struggling and looking for some extra support drop me an e-mail I’d love to chat with you.

With respect and gratitude.

Namaste,

Mirsada

I saw a quote recently that said parenting is 80% connection and 20% guidance. That really resonated with me because I believe that everything meaningful in life is based in connection.

​

Being connected, especially to my kids has always been something I have put importance on, with time and effort. A few years ago an off handed comment by a friend helped me recognize some distance between me and one of my kids and it concerned me. The comment made me look a bit deeper and I saw myself being less patient and more easily frustrated with this child.

​

I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I could definitely feel a difference. At the time none of my kids were tween or teens (this can be a time of developmental shift in connection with parents) so it made me look at things a bit closer.

​

The distance I felt in this relationship concerned me because I know that real connection makes us feel stronger and less alone. Closeness allows us to celebrate our success and victories but more importantly it allows us to share our challenges and concerns.

​

Growing up is not an easy process. Kids deal with many of the same struggles and emotions adults do (navigating challenging relationships, stress, disappointment, rejection, humiliation, fear, anxiety, sadness, insecurity) yet they are doing it with less tools, resources or understanding.

​

Connection to the trusted adults in their lives are the tools and resources they rely on to be able to learn how to to navigate these challenging feelings, emotions and circumstances. I knew my child still needed me which is why the distance was so concerning to me.

​

Staying connected to our kids as they grow can be a delicate dance. A dance of knowing when and where to apply what pressure and how much. This dance is complicated by various factors and can be especially tricky in the tween and teen years.

​

When our kids are babies connection is more easily formed because our child is highly reliant on us to have all their needs met. As they grow, they become more independent, their needs change, so sometimes keeping connection established can become more challenging.

​

As our kids get older they push us away (their brains are actually wired to naturally do this) which intellectually we know is normal, yet we are also aware that they still have many skill and tools that have yet to be developed. Sometimes our fear can leads us to put too much pressure on them which can push them away more. Yet if we ease up too much the lack of structure and boundaries can be disorienting, since kids find safety in structure.

​

As parents we have a difficult job of getting our kids ready for a challenging world. Ensuring our kids are prepared and have the necessary tools to be able to meet the challenges of the world head on is not an easy task.

​

In the middle of things I thought I was helping my child, but an outside observer made me see things differently. The persons comment lead me to recognize the crack and challenged me to look at things differently. Reestablishing that connection was critical because I knew that the crack could lead to something more significant.

​

As I began to look at the challenges, I discovered the crack I was seeing and feeling was something that had been building over years. Often as parents since we are in the middle, we don’t always see the fractures to connection that our parenting has caused. It can be years before we see the impact because when we are in the middle it is hard to see the forest through the trees.

​

The outsider helped open my eyes in seeing that something was off but my willingness to acknowledge it and then my reaching out for help and support, took courage.

​

This is just like the parents I work with that have allowed me into their hearts and lived by reaching out for help. Being open to new ideas and shifting behaviors inside themselves is brave.

​

With respect and gratitude.

​

Namaste,

Mirsada

This week I spent half a day cleaning out, sorting and organizing our “guest room”. Our helper refers to our “guest room” as a “store room”, so maybe that gives you an idea of what it looked like.

While getting it organized I found lots of pictures in frames and for the walls that used to hang around our apartment. Pictures that have lots of sentimental meaning and memories for me.

Yet they never made it out of the “guest room” and it got me wondering why, especially since I love and enjoy them so much. Why were things that were once important to me and reminded me of loved one and good times, banishes to the “guest room” to collect dust.

As I thought about it I realized that part of me lives a detached life. There is a part of me doesn’t want to put the effort in because of the effort in finding place and damaging walls for what feels short lived, but this practice takes away part of my joy.

For kids who move every few years research has shown that if the transitions are not effectively managed, kids can begin to be come detached in relationships. When kids become detached they resist putting the effort into forming new relationships, like I have done with my pictures.

Attachment is hard wired into humans. Being attached and connected are instincts in the deepest level of our being.

When you raise your child in a deeply connected and supportive environment and effectively support them through transitions you help them establish positive attachment systems.

Transitions are a natural part of life but unless we develop effective tools for managing them, they can create significant disruption inside our bodies as well as inside of our lives. Too many poorly managed transitions conditions us to resist transition all together or just detach from the situation.

Yet when the people and places become unreliable we detach in order to protect ourselves, I call this protective distance. In some ways I have become detached from the place that I live because I know it is only temporary and can’t be counted on.

Detachment can be painful because we can become isolated, makes us resistant fo forming bond with other and can even impact our self esteem.

We can help our children form health relationships and attachments mostly by modeling them with our child and with others. Rituals and routines are important parts of developing attachment and transitioning to new phases.

We all transition regularly throughout life. Sometimes transitions impact certain people more deeply than others and sometimes they are just harder for certain people to navigate.

Paying attention to how your child navigates the transitions of “normal” life might provide insight into how they will manage the bigger life transitions. Giving your child the right support to help them overcome these challenges, not only help build life long skills but it also helps build confidence in themselves and their abilities to do hard things.

When things are hard we have a natural tendency to avoid them, until they become problematic. Yet I believe that if as parents we pay attention to the small challenges we can help our child build skills to make transition easier for everyone.

There is no book with all the answers for parenting and admitting we can’t do something can feel shameful. Yet if you have a child who is struggling getting support can be a gift to both you and your child.

With respect and gratitude.

Namaste,

Mirsada

Connection.  

This is the tenant on which I base everything because honestly it is the foundation on which everything is built.

I once heard and often repeat “we can only be connected to others as deeply as we are connected to ourselves”.  I deeply believe this and when it comes to raising kids it is magnified.  

This week someone shared a Ted talk with me about emotional hygiene.  Mental health is a topic that is getting more time in the press and is becoming a less taboo topic.  Although this is true, there is still a lot of stigma around “mental illness”.

Fifty years ago we began to put more of an emphasis personal hygiene, which increased life expectancy by fifty percent. Today personal hygiene is commonly accepted and practiced.

In the Ted talk the presenter talked about emotional hygiene, which although not a “normal” practice now it is something we should all be working towards.  And as with everything parenting the way we show up in the world (for ourselves and others) is a model our kids will use to build their lives.

There are four way to practice emotional hygiene:

1. Take action when we are lonely.  Our brains are activated in the same place for physical and psychological pain.  Psychological pain is real pain and we need to be treating it as such. Loneliness is a serious concern that we should be paying attention to, especially in children. 

2. Change reaction to failure.  We live in a highly competitive global culture that places a lot of emphasis on winning.  Helping kids learn resilience and understand that to “fail” is actually just a First Attempt In Learning.

3. Protect self-esteem.  Negative self-talk is toxic and as parents we need to remember that the way we talk to our kids becomes the way they talk to themselves.  So if we are highly critical of them they don’t stop loving us, they stop loving themselves.  Our voice becomes our kids inner voice.

4. Battle Negative Thinking.  The power of “yet” is one of the most beneficial things to help kids battle negative thinking.  We need to remind kids that it isn’t they can’t do it is they can’t do it YET!

Something I am going to working on in the next few months is building a more deliberate meditation practice.  Neuroscientist say one of the most beneficial things we can do for our brains it meditate daily.  I “know” this is true, now I need to put that knowledge into practice because this is definitely one of the most powerful ways for us to connect with ourselves.  

And what I know for sure is the more connected I am to myself, the more connected I am to my kids and that is powerful.

With respect and gratitude.

Namaste,

Mirsada

A few weeks ago I told you about my struggles in school when I was a kid.  I talked about a well funded system that missed an important diagnosis.  if you missed that newsletter you can read it here

My parents were born in Europe so they were unfamiliar with the American school system.  Yet,  they had total faith in the system and believed the system was able to support the educational needs of all kids.

This was a critical mistake.  My parents belief in the system overrode their intuition (particularly my mothers) of understanding me and my brothers needs.

Both my parents worked but they were attuned and attentive to our learning needs.  My mother in particularly was actively involved in our education.  She advocated for our needs but was met with resistance.  In my case she was told I was an average children doing average work.  Let’s not forget at age 12 I was not reading anywhere close to grade level.

This dismal of my mothers intuition impacted me and my learning for years.  For years after leaving the system I often spoke with my mom about the negligence of the system because it impacted me so deeply.

The impacts went well beyond my education they also impacted my self worth and sense of being. One of the reasons why kids mental health issue are so important to me.  My “disability” impacted my learning but it did not impact my cognitive ability.  I was never able to enjoy the academic environment of learning (event though I have a Masters) due to this broken system.  

My disability impacted my learning but does not reflect a lack of intelligence.  This is one of the challenges parents face, sometimes they avoid a label because they think it reflects intelligence, but what has been clearly shown in the data, certain diagnoses are not reflective of intelligence, but they do impact learning.

Parents sometimes worry that labeling a child or getting a “diagnosis” can be harmful.  I can’t say in all cases this is not true but I am of the full belief that the more you know yourself, particularly the ways you learn best and your particular strengths and weaknesses, the better one will be.  Knowing more about oneself builds self awareness (one component of executive function) which I believe allows you to know and understand others better.

There are many things that impact kids learning and I believe one of the most detrimental is undiagnosed neurodiversities.  If a child is in a system that doesn’t have the understanding of or the capacity to support learning differences, this can be highly detrimental, not just to learning but to self worth.

In case you are unaware, neurodevelopment disorders (neurodiversities) most effectively diagnosed in early school aged-children but may not be recognized until adult hood.  Often characterized by a persistent impairment in at least one of the major area: reading, written expression and/or math.  

Neruodiversites are so much better understood (and accepted) now than they were when I was a kid.  Thank to the ability to take MRI’s of the brain.  Because of this “new” technology there has been so much progress on understanding brain development and functioning, particularly over the last 20 years.  

It might sound like I am putting down schools.  I am definitely not.  School are wonderful places, full of wonderful and dedicated educators, that support our children’s growth and development in importance and fundamental ways.  Unfortunately many educational systems are designed using an old model that has not integrated all the new understanding.  

Expat parents need to pay particular attention because moves disrupt a child progress educationally making it easy for a school system to attribute challenges to a transition.  This is a topic for another week.

Specific learning disorders such as mine are typically diagnosed in school-aged kids.  When discovered and diagnosed early there is more capacity for successful intervention and support available to remediate challenges. 

In my case, even in a well funded and knowledgable system, with continuity (I spent my elementary school years in one school) and a parent who was present and asking the school system for support the school missed finding a proper diagnosis until I was much older.  

Parents need to trust their intuition. I encourage all parents to ask questions of their schools and help your child discover their unique learning style.  We all have important gifts to share with the world.  If we continue to try and fit everyone into the same box we are going to miss out on uncovering unique gifts and talents.

With respect and gratitude.

Namaste,

Mirsada

As few weeks ago one of my kids attended a birthday party. The hosting parents spent a lot of time and attention in providing numerous games and activities for the kids to enjoy. They had a piñata, which is always a party hit.

​

As the kids lined up full of excitement to get their chance to break the piñata and grab some loot, I couldn’t help but picture the tears that I had seen so many times before.

​

Kids, candy and no rules, chaos always ensues.

​

This got me thinking, do piñatas help kids build the necessary life skill of resilience?

​

Experts agree the best ways to build resilience are:

• Help your child to identify and manage strong emotions.

• Support and connect with your child but don’t try and avoid all pain or discomfort.

• Avoid predicting and preventing problems for your child.

• Build your child’s self-compassion.

• Celebrate your child’s effort instead of the outcome.

• Encourage your child’s to problem-solving

• Help your child build connection with others.

​

Helping your child build and strengthen these skills in an environment that feels safe and free of judgment is helpful. As parents is it is important to be thoughtful and considerate as we help kids navigate and strengthen these vital skills.

​

One of the most helpful things we can do when helping kids navigate these emotions is have a good understanding of our own emotions. One thing I know for sure is that our reaction to our kids emotions tell them more than any piñata ever could.

​

I’d love to hear from you about what skill or area of growth you struggle most helping your child manage, build or strengthen. Just hit reply on this email.

​

With respect and gratitude.

Namaste,

Mirsada

I left the 6th grade (age 12) not reading.

​

I feel a lot of shame sharing that information about myself. I fear people thinking this means I still can’t read (I do prefer audiobooks based on how my brain functions best). I worry people will wonder what kind of home I came from, based off the testaments shared after my moms death I can assure you it was a good one. I worry people would think I’m not a hard worker or there is something “wrong” with me.

​

I think the last is what I fear most. I worry people will think there is something “wrong” with me. All this fear, shame and judgement has cast a shadow over my life for too many years When I was diagnosed with a learning disability at 16 (my mom had been pushing the school system to get a better understand of my challenges since I was 6) instead of providing an explanation for my challenges, in my mind it just provided proof that there was indeed something “wrong” with me and it was that I was stupid.

​

This is where I was so wrong, but I had struggled so much for so many years and had been given proof over and over again, that the negative the dialogue was cemented inside my head. I would occasionally say “I was stupid”, people would dismiss my statement and try to reassure me, but the negative self talk was louder, more consistent and more pronounced.

​

As I have raised my own four kids I have very clearly learned that no one gets through without struggle. Each struggle is different and unique, therefore solutions and help are varied. Different kids struggle at different phases. And for parents of multiple kids, I say thank goodness.

​

One of my kids didn’t sleep through the night until over two another was a dream sleeper. The one who gave me a run for my money with sleep has been an easy student. The dream sleeper has caused me more challenges with school. Every child is unique which is the joy and beauty of humans.

​

When I was in high school my mother introduced me to the concept of “learning to learn” when she bought me a course on tapes (yes I realize I am dating myself). I poured over those tapes with pen and paper in hand. These “learning to learn” or as I like to describe them life skills that I was learning about at the time were what are now known as executive function skills.

​

Executive function encompasses so many skills such as planning, organizing, prioritizing, focus, motivation, self awareness, decision making and emotional regulation. Sometimes kids have different neurodiversities or academic struggles which impact the development of these executive functions. Thankfully, there is no indication that these skills can’t be strengthened and develop. Unfortunately the development of these skills are not a significant focus in most schools this places more responsibility for these vital skills on the parent. Which can be challenging if parents don’t understand how critical and necessary it is to develop these skills.

​

I can remember getting so frustrated and angry when I had to do my reading at homework time, I was scream and shout I was totally dysregulated and therefore my brain was not in learning mode. My frustration only increased my learning challenges which then impacted my executive function. It was a vicious cycle. Learning differences don’t indicate a person capacity for IQ. I know personal stories of kids with exceptionally high IQ’s who struggle in school because of challenges with executive function skills. Executive function skills are life skills that our kids will rely on daily.

​

My challenges didn’t just impact my academic performance they also impacted how I related socially to the world. My worry of something being “wrong”’with me affected the way I showed up and related to others. I “knew” there was something different about me but I didn’t fully understand what, so it made me feel different and made me more self conscious. I didn’t believe that who I was, just how I was, was ok which complicated many of my relationships for years.

​

I believe that social connectedness is the fabric of our life, it is upon which everything else is built and created. How we feel about ourselves significantly influences how we relate to others. Helping our kids feel good in their own skin, challenges and all is one of the most important gifts we can give a child.

​

Helping parents support their elementary and middle school kids in developing these critical executive function and social awareness skills is my passion. Helping kids know themselves while learning to love, honor and cherish themselves is hands down the greatest gift we can give our kids.

​

I am excited to be on this learning journey with you. As I look forward to 2023 I would love to hear more from you on what your hoping to learn about in relation to executive function. It will help me make sure I am sharing relevant content. I’d appreciate if you would respond to this email with just one word letting me know what topic you are of most interested in or you find most challenging with/for your child.

​

With respect and gratitude.

​

Namaste,

Mirsada